#25. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards and just do what you know is right?

The simple and sweet answer: now.

 

The only problem with that answer, no matter how true it may be, is it is a powerful example of the truth behind the phrase ‘easier said than done’. In theory, it could be the most wonderful thing ever to happen to you, but in practice, there will always be some evident risk undermining the whole experience. In theory, an action could have the potential to save the world, yet in practice, the ultimate decision maker will always have calculated their potential reward, regardless of whether said thought influenced their ultimate decision. Being in the right sometimes means having to accept a compromise, delaying your own wanted action in the name of appeasing another.

 

Yet regardless of the above, do people truly want to live in a society where individuals are free to do as they want, recklessly acting on impulses alone? One person’s right is another person’s sin after all. People are not infallible. It is only through stopping, through thinking, through calculating, that we make ourselves less subject to such wrongs. Isn’t that the right thing to do ultimately?

 

#24. When you are 80 years old, what will matter to you the most?

Another one of these dreaded ‘future me’ questions. My irrational somewhat hatred for the future is unexplainable and is completely irrational yet it still exists. I’d rather adopt a pragmatic approach to life rather than ‘bog myself down’ in a rigid life plan I devised aged 10.

 

Perhaps this is why I always feel so resistant to answer these types of questions – they impose some sort of rigidity in my life, something that I will ultimately measure my life up to. Do I want that? Not particularly. I don’t think anyone would want to live their life in constant fear of not reaching their fixed, rigid goals. Would I wish I had done just that aged 80? Who knows? I could be pessimistic and say I might not even reach age 80. At least then I would be saving myself the potential constant feelings of regret whenever I reminisce about my former younger stubborn self because you know, I’ll cease to exist.

 

I suppose if I had to choose something, despite how cliché it is, my education is the thing that matters to me the most right now [comes with being a student I guess]. I was quick to think that once I hit 80 [or even before that, maybe when I ‘stop’ being a student] this priority will cease to exist. However I don’t actually think that’s true; with age comes wisdom of course, but not ultimate wisdom surely? My grandparents are still learning things now, developing in their old age. I’ve never seen my grandma so proud of herself when she finally managed to learn how to use her phone efficiently and un-aided.  Being able to ‘keep up’ with the world will always be one of my priorities I think, I always want to know everything – I hope age won’t halt this desire.

#23. Are you holding on to something you need to let go of?

Sure, yet to an extent I think everyone is regardless of whether or not they want to admit it. Should I let it go? Perhaps, but I don’t think I can. Not yet at least.  2015 has yet to end and my naïve, optimistic side is making me cling to the idea that there’s still time for things to escalate or happen. Wishful thinking I know.

 

The next thirty days I’ve decided are crucial; if nothing happens between now and the end of 2015, I’ll let it go – it can be my one and only New Year’s resolution. If it’s successful is another matter, but I deserve some credit for at least thinking it…?

#22. What would you regret not fully doing, being or having in your life?

It’s a hard question to answer when you’re yet to make any future plans or solidify any ambitions. Of course I have aspirations but my internal ‘issue’ is that I think, aspire , yet I constantly self-doubt. I wonder if things are actually possible. I then of course find excuses not to do it. Sky diving is an example; I’d think I would want to complete a jump [just once] yet then I over think about all the potential [life-threatening(!)]risks before concluding that the possible dangers outweigh the potential thrill.

 

If we were to concentrate on the minor, smaller aspirations, I feel I’ve completed a fair few already – this blog being one of them. But we’re examining the long term. If I was lying on my death bed contemplating my 80 years of life, I think I would be regretful if I had not taken the writing further maybe. To what level I don’t have a clue, however I have too many ideas littering my mind for me not to actually sit down and put them onto paper. I will do it – I have earlier attempts from years ago on my laptop to prove that, within the 80 year time frame life gives us.

#21. If you had to teach something, what would you teach?

Through indirectly teaching my younger sister mathematics, I’ve discovered a new found respect for teachers. The patience needed, the positivity constantly required, the good communication skills essential for the job – saying it is hard is the understatement of the century. I’m not sure whether I’d be able to teach anything. Even if I had to, it most likely would not be maths.

 

I think I agree with my politics teacher’s boasts about how good his job really is. The subject he teaches is constantly evolving, full of revelations, expectations and broken promises – perhaps it makes other more rigid subjects, like maths, pale in comparison. Teaching politics means that the teacher can arguably never become bored of repetition as the teaching content is always changing. There will always be new political scandals that could be utilised as lively conversation starters, so lively in fact that it could wake up a class of tired students on a Monday morning perhaps [as honestly, quadratic equations aren’t the most engaging of subject matter]. Teaching politics means that the teacher is always learning alongside the students – a priceless experience perhaps.

#20. Which activities make you lose track of time?

Without wanting to sound ridiculously predictable, I would say writing. Regardless of how tedious it can feel [there’s only so many academic essays per week I can mentally cope with] it’s a welcome escape and relaxation method. I don’t fully appreciate how tense or frustrated I am about a certain aspect of my life until I’ve ended up writing four pages about it. When I read it back, I feel  stupid over how minor the issue now seems but, at the same time, relieved that it has finally ‘escaped’ my mind on to the paper. I feel less ‘wound up’ about life in general I suppose, now that I’m letting things go more easily  through the means of writing them down – it’s almost like it’s now the paper’s problem, not mine.

 

Of course, this coping technique does have its flaws; writing and answering maths equations, whilst it does involve writing on paper, is anything but relaxing and stress relieving, especially if said working out is wrong…

#19. If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow this person to be your friend?

I’ve indirectly been asked this question several times by several different people as a consequence of people reading my texts [accidentally] from one particular friend. ‘You’re being bullied’ – no that’s just our relationship, honest.

 

The vast majority of conversation with said friend include some kind of insult ping-pong’. If this makes our friendship dysfunctional and destructive, then so be it – I’m comfortable and perfectly content with that and it most likely will not change. Regardless a small minority of the insults, although meaningless, do hit a nerve. ‘Fatty’ is the number one word that never fails to play on my insecurities, bringing back certain childhood memories and pictures that I would rather not address. Despite the tireless work that so called ‘fat-activists’ do, despite the vast array of body positive tumblr blogs I occasionally peak at, I [and society] still attach a negative connotation to the five letter word. I have an irrational hatred for the word; I’ve never said the word out loud yet privately I’d bully myself with the word, internally describing myself it on a constant basis. I think I’m resilient enough to accept that words are ultimately just words but ‘fat’ is just too much of a personal issue for me to simply just ‘brush off’.

 

Even now after significant weight loss I have yet to eradicate the perception of my former self. I think that’s why the word, the insult, is so damaging; why I mentally wouldn’t be able to handle continuing a friendship with a person who constantly used ‘fatty’ even as an innocent adjective. I’ve yet to disconnect my former self from my present self – friendships are arguably supposed to help you develop and flourish, not pin you down with negative outlooks and the past. Toxic friendships are worse than no friendships at all.

 

It goes to show how much I’ve perhaps progressed over the past 18 months. 18 months ago I would have been saying the exact opposite whilst desperately clinging to anyone that deemed me ‘worthy’ enough to talk to, regardless of how damaging their words. 18 months ago I would have called them friends. Now, I don’t even associate with them.

#13. Do you celebrate the things you do have?

Nobody got anywhere in the world by simply being content – Louis L’Amour.

I got school results this month. I celebrated for the first time– I did get what I wanted after all. It was a major deal for me at the time. For months I had been working myself up towards preparing to see what seemed like the inevitable fail grade in French. When it didn’t appear, I resisted the urge to scream ‘putain oui! Viva la France!’ I simply celebrated. Well, the family decided to celebrate and I just didn’t object.

I had actually been getting exam results on average once every two to three months since last September. Yet, this is the first time I’ve celebrated. Previously, I had made excuses for my previous successes throughout the year including ‘they’re not real exams’, ‘it was only 10 questions’, and even ‘no one cares about IT anyways?!’ Through the 2014 academic year [September ‘14 – August ‘15] I’ve had test results, mock results, IT results and real results. Yet I only felt the need to celebrate this month. Why I’m not too sure.

I suppose it’s to do with the fact that hundreds of thousands of students in Britain this month were in the same position as me. To not celebrate I suppose, suggests to the outside world that my results were a failure. I’m guilty of this to a certain extent as elusive friends that are too generic over their results are automatically sorted in my head into the ‘not-done-very-well’ pile.

Sure it’s perfectly fine to celebrate results and everything else one may achieve in their life. But to linger on one’s successes delays the next success. I’d rather move forward into the present, than dwell on the past for extended periods of time. To be content Is perhaps to lose desire for more.

#10. What can you do today that you were not capable of a year ago?

I could be snarky and say the obvious answer of a student: I couldn’t have a deep discussion about advertising in French a year ago, I couldn’t have explained why, despite my previous history teachers insistence, why Lloyd-George was a failure 52 weeks ago, and certainly didn’t know let alone understand ‘dy/dx’ or the even more complex looking d²y/dx² 365 days ago.

It’s not so much that I can do anything particularly ‘significant’ now compared to August 2014. It’s more about what I’ve confirmed to myself I can do. I can adapt and survive – something I arguably didn’t have to do until last year. I’ve succeeded for the most part; if you omit the [painfully] awkward situations I’ve landed myself in perhaps.

#8. Who do you love and what are you doing about it?

We live in a society that sees nearly as many marriages fail than succeed and are currently living through the so called ‘Ashley Madison era’. I’m perhaps lucky that I have parents that have a nearly-2-decade-strong marriage as a role model for love. Not that marriage is automatically a synonym for love, but it’s a nice fairy-tale like thing to believe.

Naïvely or not for our generation, many are ‘doing something about loving something’ by placing a diamond ring on their wannabe-fiancée’s finger. The first of many joyous days to come. But the reality TV show ‘married at first sight’, which sees complete strangers meet for the first time only at the altar, highlights clearly why this perfect illusion of marriage is questionable at best. Just because it’s traditional, does not make it necessarily desirable.

If I did ‘love’ something, I’m not actively doing anything about it. My somewhat indecisiveness about my opinion on certain members of the opposite sex is perhaps proof that I’m not. Of course, there’s some people, upon reading that, that will think that my life is tragic; ‘oh you’ll never be happy’, ‘if you want something you have to work for it!’, ‘don’t leave it to chance!’.

Perhaps, ‘true love’ does not have to do anything about it. Perhaps it overcomes society’s expectations. Perhaps the said couple don’t have to do anything as they’re secure in themselves and with each other, and they’re perhaps content with that alone – because you know, they’re in love.